In Need of a Sweet Methadone

ADDENDA:
Why did I eat that brownie last night? I don't ask that because I feel guilty (I don't), it's just that I'm trying to understand my behavior. I had a relatively healthful meal out that I enjoyed with my B, then we went to the movies at the Anjelika. I was still a little hungry, as barely 20 minutes passed between finishing the meal and sitting down for the movie. However, my sugar-cravings came back as hard as they ever were. B was buying coffee, so I said fuck it, and got a big ol' brownie with a choco-peanut butter frosting.

The frosting tasted kinda fakey and not horrendously fresh. The brownie itself was too cakey to be really decadent. Even as I was eating it, I was thinking, "Eh." However, the blood lust I had for sweet pretty much dissipated after the 2nd bite, allowing me to focus on the flick, until maybe 5 minutes later I realized I had a small emerging headache and a stomach that felt like I just drank a shot of liquid latex. Very odd.

This morning I was thinking about how I much I would of rather not of felt crappy because of a sweet I didn't enjoy. Heroin addicts take their methadone to curb their cravings, maybe I need a methadone for sweets. Maybe carry packets of brown sugar around, and just down it when the cravings attack and there are no top-shelf sweets available? Then I remembered - I've been carrying these spearmint mints around with me for months in my bag for that very purpose, bu I forgot about them! Doh!

Advice to all the lovers of the world: If you're gonna get all kissy on your husband or wife, don't let coffee and stinky cheese be the last 2 things you ate. I'm just sayin'.

BREAKFAST: 8:30am, organic corn flakes & good milk, small banana, hunger 3/5

AM WATERING: 9:45am, 24 oz still

BP: 10am, 134/94
Do have that pre-headachey feeling. Maybe just thinking about that brownie last night is doing it to me.

AM SNACK: 11:30am, baggie of saltless shelled cashews, hunger 4/5

LUNCH: 12:45pm, sesame tofu, small container of baby carrots, hunger 4/5
Got the tofu from wholefoods the other day, good but my serving has 860mg of sodium, about 1/3 of the USDA recommendation. Didn't TASTE salty, but I know that doesn't mean much. I guess this means this is 3 days straight of taking lunch to work, but it's only because I knew I'd be eating out last night and tonight....and come to think of it, tomorrow night. I think limiting myself to a maximum of 1 non-homemade meal a day is a good rule. Then again, how is a container of salty fried tofu from Wholefoods really "homemade"? Hmmmm....

PM WATERING: 3pm, 24 oz still

PM SNACK: 3pm, 3 saltless whole wheat pretzels, hunger 3/5

PM SNACK: 4:45pm, large organic fuji apple, piece of funky cheese, hunger 3/5
Feel tired. Gonna go home and cook instead of going out to an openning with a friend. Betsy won't be home for dinner so I can cater just to my taste...

DINNER: 6:30pm. half a cheeseless mushroom pizza, large quantity of green salad with too many olives in it, water, hunger 4/5
Seems the HVS had some free time before yoga, so we supped before I went home at Patsy's. The pizza was good, the lack of cheese made me focus more on the two other main ingredients - the sauce was a bit too sweet and the crust lacked snap in the middle - the lack of cheesy grease should of allowed to to get firmer.

Watched TV for a bit, but fell asleep so I put myself to bed around 9. Was craving sugar during TV but was too tired to motivate. I think I'm still a bit depressed about work, even though a lot of what was happening is now moot, I just feel a little bit dissed and disrespected. I know I shouldn't act emotionally to the actions of a soulless, faceless corporation, but I just can't shake the feeling I'm selling myself short by staying there indefinitely. Come next month after the holiday madness, I'm going start properly looking for new work to advance the goal of creating a stable financial base to raise a family AND a position where I can advance.