Jonesing for My Pusherman

ADDENDA:
Picked up gefilte-fish loaf from Russ & Daughter's for the seder I'm cooking for Sunday. My mom once picked up a loaf for her seder and it was weirdly good - the jarred stuff is in snot sauce and mushy veg. This loaf of pike & whitefish is dry, no jelly, and cooked carrots came on the side. I wish I could ask my mom where she got hers, it could of been R&D's, or it could of been any of a number of orthodox food shops in the hood.

Picked up my culinary uniform this morning. Crazy. Laid down wearing the white chef jacket embroidered with my name while listening to the new Nick Cave and Breeders records, seasoning it with some good vibes.

BREAKFAST: 9:45am, organic chex with good milk, 1 bowl, hunger 4/5

LUNCH: 2pm, whole wheat penne with hot italian sausage, sauted mushrooms and homemade tomato sauce, water, 3 bowls, hunger 4/5
Well, I made a big-ass bowl of pasta, which I fried up a raw piece of sausage and some shrooms. I used to eat portions of pasta like this for both lunch and dinner - I haven't had a big pasta meal like this in quite a while, but Ilsa is quite insistent that I up my lunch quantities and low-light my dinner.

Funny thing, after eating this, I started grazing in the kitchen for sweets, but there were none. Then I thought -damn!- I just ate a HUGE lunch, why am I looking for sweets? I'm gonna take care of some stuff, and if I'm still craving, gonna run out and get a good-ass donut from my local donut pusher-man...

PM SNACK: 3:15pm, chocolate glazed yeast donut, .75 bowl, hunger 3/5
Ahhhhhhhhhh......sweet oblivion.....

DINNER: 6:45pm, cod in broth, mushroom pate, small peanutbutter tofu desert, 1 glass presecco, water, 1.5 bowls, hunger 3/5
Not very hungry, but went to the new Broadway East Restaurant on East Broadway with B and Katya, who came down to wish me a happy birthday - my 23rd birthday meal this year. The restaurant, which is in my hood, is surprisingly upscale, about 85% vegan/vegetarian menu, and tasty. I just hope it can make it, must take the HVS there soon...

I Browned Almost 9 Pounds of Meat This Evening.

ADDENDA:
At yesterday's meeting, Ilsa yelled at me a bit for not restricting my calories enough, and for not eating enough vegetables. -sigh- I guess some childhood habits are harder to break than others.

I spent a good part of the evening browning 2 pieces / 8lbs of bottom round and making the marinade for sauer braten, which I will be contributing to a friend's Passover this weekend.

Went to a basics yoga class today after putting some hours in at the office. Did a shoulder stand (off the wall) for the first time, actually seeing (a very tiny bit of) progress there.

Culinary starts in less than a week. I'm excited/nervous/curious. Slowly putting together the new blog TBD....

BREAKFAST: 9:15am, good yogurt with honey vanilla raw nuts, .5 bowl, hunger 4/5
Milk spoiled, this was my only option. I like how short a shelf-life my unhomogenized organic milk has - it tastes fresher when it's fresh, and when it's bad, you know it right away.

LUNCH #1: 12:15pm, 2 samosas, pumpkin noodles, 1.5 bowls, hunger 4/5
Midtown vegan lunch with the HVS.

LUNCH #2: 4:30pm, 1 large piece salad pizza, 1 large piece fresh moz pizza, orange soda, water, 2 bowls, hunger 4/5
Went to Pie on 4th Ave (pizza by the inch) after yoga, just didn't want anything too healthy!

DINNER: 8pm, 1 pork chop, stir fried broccoli & mushrooms, chocolate soy ice cream, 2 bowls, hunger 4/5
Pork chop on the bone only marinated for an hour, only browned it for 3 minutes on each side then went for it - it's rareness would of scared most people, but it was SO juicy and delicious and simply porky. Stir fried the veg fast and hot in the wok with salt and sesame oil, and it came out crunchy and flavorful. No sauces, just the flavors of the main ingredients.

Hope avoiding a pasta/rice/potato and having a large serving of broc & mushroom will please Ilsa! :)

Freezer to Tummy

ADDENDA:
Slept like a brick again last night, 11 hours of blissful deep sleep. Met with Ilsa, her main advice is to eat less n' do more if I want to continue to lose weight. She asked me how I'm doing with the sweets, it occurred to me I couldn't remember the last time I had a sweets-free day (other than today). I need to finish tagging these entries then I'll know...

BREAKFAST: 10:15am, good yogurt with honey and vanilla, .5 bowls, hunger 4/5
Limited myself to 1/3 of the container instead of the usual 1/2.

LUNCH: 1pm, pork tonkatsu with curry sauce, white rice, pickle, cabbage, 4 pork dumplings, 2.5 bowls, hunger 4/5
Midtown lunch by the old offices with a friend. Meal came with a cup of miso soup, but skipped it, as it's a salt trap I don't need. Still enough food.

PM SNACK: 7pm, half a homemade calzone, .5 bowl, hunger 4/5
Dragging this thing out with me all day, had to eat it or throw it out. The crust went a bit stale but the innards were well preserved.

DINNER: 9pm, homemade mac n' cheese, 2 bowls, hunger 4/5
Outta the freezer, into mah tummy. After microwaving, it was a bit frightening the amount of grease that I poured off the plate into the sink. Still, yummy in mah tummy!

Holistic Nutritionists Are Wicked Overseas!

ADDENDA:
Saw this program today, "You Are What You Eat" on BBC America, which follows a holistic nutritionist around England to her clients, to which she is totally direct and refreshingly brutal in a very English kind of way. Ilsa could definitely do the American version of this show! (Do a search on Youtube to find more parts and episodes.)

Feel better, still took the day indoors, though did some work and puttered around a bit.

BREAKFAST: 9:30am, organic chex with soy milk, 1 bowl, hunger 4/5
Real milk spoiled, reconfirmed my belief that soy milk is nasty.

LUNCH: 2:15pm, cold sesame noodles, wonton soup, sticky rice & mince bundles, 24 oz water, 3 bowls, hunger 4/5
NOT a Chinese brick, but vegan food ordered in.

DINNER: 6:45pm, vegetarian Ethiopian food, 1 bowl, hunger 3/5
B brought in the food from a local place, unfortunately their quality control has tumbled and we probably won't be eating from there again soon. Good thing I had a heavy lunch.

EVENING SNACK: 10pm, almond ice cream, .5 cup, hunger 4/5
Really craving sugar.

Takin' Care of Bizniz

ADDENDA:
The real vacation continues. Got a lot done yesterday, laundry, sourced touch-up paint for the house, replaced a duvet cover Betsy had ill will towards, dinner with B and a good friend. Today I have an electrician taking care of business, gonna redo the placement of furniture in the bedroom, retouch the paint on the scuffed walls, get a new light fixture for the bedroom, cull my closets and my cooking pans, and catch a 3pmish train up to Westchester to spend the eve with another friend I don't see often enough. Well, I'm sure I'll get through some of it!

Betsy reported she got a good scolding at from Ilsa for changing up her diet so extremely without consulting her - funny, I also kinda went beserk on B for the same reason! (not consulting Ilsa, not me) Ilsa also expressed her concerns that I'm falling back into bad habits - that Chinese brick a few weeks ago scared the bejeezus out of her.

BREAKFAST: 10:15am, good yogurt with honey, vanilla, raw nuts, hunger 4/5
Woke at 8:30 to the electrician calling, delayed eating as he was doing his business. Certain fixtures haven't worked in years, but they were relatively minor and a hassle to call a professional for - but perfect when your off the first week of the year and electricians are not!

Never delayed breakfast like this, surprised how hungry I got after about 90 minutes.

LUNCH: 1pm, whole wheat bagel with homemade hummus, glass of seltzer, hunger 4/5

PM SNACK: 5pm, 6 'deluxe' chocolate-filled cookie tubes, hunger 4/5

DINNER: 6:30pm, sushi tray, small green salad, 6 shrimp shumai, 2 ok chocolate truffles, 1 fortune cookie, water, hunger 4/5
Ordered in at my friend's house in Westchester. She proposed our only choices were pizza or Chinese. I chose Chinese, wondering what I would order that wouldn't be brick-like. Fortunately, on the other side of the menu was Japanese, so I stuck with the sushi. As I was pondering the Chinese, saw their list of bricks, remembered how I felt ill the next day, and I really didn't want to waste my time off regretting Chinese...

EVENING SNACK: 11pm, 3 vegan chocolate macaroon-like thingies, 1 whole wheat saltfree pretzel, 2 mint chip tofutti cuties, hunger 4/5
I guess dinner wasn't enough, and had insomnia on top of it.

More Mood, Less Food

ADDENDA:
Had an interesting meeting with Ilsa last night. I'm feeling a lot of anger and ill will towards my work in general since the since-backed off corporate directives a few weeks ago, despite never feeling more happy with the people I actually work with day to day. That brick o' Chinese I scarfed the other day was probably a result of that pressure. I shouldn't let it get to me that way.

I had a friend who when she got upset at herself, would literally smack herself on the head till she bled. Is scarfing a block of sodium-infused lard with some noodles in it so different, especially when I'm not even that hungry? Ilsa is afraid pressures will cause me to backslide, when I should be simply maintaining my healthier habits through these cold winter months. I got to get a handle on this.

BREAKFAST: 8:30am, good yogurt with raw nuts, honey, vanilla, hunger 3/5

AM WATERING: 9:45am, 24 oz still

BP: 9:50am, 137/91
Despite being tired, did not sleep well last night, kept on #2ing for a few hours, then watched bad TV for an hour. Determined to eat better today, aim to go home tonight and aim for some quality ZZZs.

LUNCH: 12:45pm, superhippy peanutbutter sandwich, hummus with carrots, cuce, red pepper, celery, a few bites of cod, hunger 4/5
Cod tasted fresh, but underdressed. Next time, I'll get you, Cod!!

PM SNACK: 4:30pm, organic Fuji apple, raw milk appeller funky cheese, hunger 4/5
Chocolate being spread around the office, I heroically resisted.

DINNER: 7:45pm, 4 fresh spring rolls with shrimp, sauteed pork medallions in a mushroom wine sauce over brown jasmine rice, liter of seltzer, hunger 4/5
Oh my, this was an interest mealing meal. Click on the pic for an upclose look! Too bad these computers don't do smellovision - while the final result proved this to still be in the experimental stage, the smell in the kitchen was overwhelmingly intensely delicious.

When Ilsa was scolding me about how she doesn't care if I eat good pork every day, as long as I stay away from the bricks o' Chinese food. So I picked up a thick pork medallion and mushrooms on the way home. Rather than simply grill it and throw it over rice, I went on line and got an interesting recipe. However, I kinda winged it and added white wine, subtracted whatever 'savory' is, crushed dried rosemary in a pestle, replaced chicken stock with a container of veal stock I had in the freezer (picked up on a random shopping trip ages ago) and let rip.

Two things surprised me. One is the veal stock. I bought it originally because I read somewhere that veal stock is the 'secret weapon' of many chefs - it has the magical ability to make anything tastier. And my god, it does! I've eaten veal stock many times before but didn't know it - it's that indescribable delicious mouth feel that is like eating velvet. Damn, it's good.

Second is even though I tried to undercook the meat (browned 1 minute on each side instead of 2, let simmer in the sauce for 10 minutes instead of 15), it was STILL a little pale, dry and overcooked. Next time I do this recipe I'm going to brown it at higher heat for less time, simmer it in the sauce for less time, and get a fattier cut of meat that is still on the bone.

234 Pounds o' Fury!!

ADDENDA:
What hath thow raught? Ilsa has a blog!! Here!

Weighed myself this morning, almost forgot, but the scale was in the way (the weigh?) of me retrieving my cell phone. 234. Was wearing pants, and just ate breakfast, so it's probably closer to my standard 230. Not feeling very furious, but anything that is tagged with "o' Fury!!" sounds less blubbery.

Feel weird about the pint of soy icecream I snarfed last night. On one hand, I think I enjoyed and appreciated it more than I would of if it was a regular habit. On the other hand, my lust for it immediately following my substandard home meal was overpowering in a way. Ilsa's blog suggests brushing teeth to get the stomach-body-brain signals to shout "done!" to the lust impulses. May just try that.

BREAKFAST: 8am, organic chex with good milk, banana, hunger 3/5
Start the sweets off right.

AM WATERING: 9:30am, 24 oz still

BP 9:45am: 132/90

LUNCH: 12:30pm, homemade hummus, carrot sticks, cucumber slices, 2 slices normal wholewheat bread, 2 slices weird dense superGerman "bread", 3 pieces sesame tofu, hunger 4/5
Out of superhippy bread from the farmer's market, so I got this weird, dense block of bread-like material imported from Germany, full of whole grains, weirdly moist, and shelf-stable for months in the unopened wrapper.

Hummus was good, needs more cumin. Next batch is going to rock. Hard. My dad never had the secret weapon of the roasted garlic, damn I wish I could share that with him. I think he'd be impressed. After tasting it, he'd nod, and say something quietly, like, "Noah, that's pretty good. I wish I thought of that." A small grin was like a hug from him (though in later years I subjected him to more unasked-for hugs than I can count.)

PM SNACK: 4:15pm, apple & raw funki havarti, hunger 3/5
Apple was mushy, May have to run out and grab another snack, as I have a knife skills class 6:30-10 tonight.

PM SNACK: 5:15pm, lamb on pita, hunger 4/5
As I'm eating this, I'm thinking, "This is not going to help me lose weight, is it?"

PM SNACK: 7pmish, carrots sticks & inferior hummus, small handful of olives, lemony water, hunger 4/5
Snacks during class

DINNER: 9:30pm, yummy carrot soup, quinoa with orange supreme, white bean thingy, sauteed broccoli with mushrooms, roasted cubed potatoes, hunger 4/5
Dinner was made with all the veg that the students prepped in knife skills class, all vegan, the HVS would of been proud. Food was actually pretty good, but could of used some sort of protein for satiety's sake.

Dessert-Fast Conclusion: My Foundation Assumptions are Questioned

ADDENDA:
Last night with Ilsa, we spoke of my dessert fast. I realized somethings as I was saying it: what I learned kinda bugged me.

I'm NOT addicted to sugar. It's NOT a physical thing. It's REALLY in my head.

My habits have been created by two things: my environment and my personal choices. As a fully developed non-impaired human, I have a degree of power over my environment and a GREAT deal of power over my choices. Abdicating my power to 'addiction' was a massive cop-out. This is something I always felt was a major character flaw of a very close friend....

On a rambling side-note, I have/had a friend who for the sake of anonymity we'll call Lillian. I've known Lill since we were 18 yrs old, and over the years she's suffered all sorts of trials and tribulations due to her ADHD, obsessive-compulsive disorder and a host of other things I can't fully recall. She has been on all sorts of medications over the years. She's had good years, she's had bad years.

Recently, partly due to her issues, partly due to the passing of time, partly due to the situations our lives have given us of late, she (from my perspective) had a record bad year lately. I'm actually concerned for her safety and well-being, and have come to the conclusion that our relationship actually threatens her health. Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that I was always under the impression that a lot of her issues stemmed from poor choices she made. A lot of the difficulties which she claimed were due to her illnesses seemed to be self-indulgences rather than symptoms. As she has gone from cute-crazy to crazy-crazy in recent months, I wonder if she really was crazy-crazy all these years, or did the habits that emerged from her self-indulgences (and justified by being 'crazy') actually lead her to this point? After being so certain of the later for so long, now I really don't know.

Why this talk of Lill? I guess because it comes to the point of addiction versus choice, being actually crazy verses choosing to be 'crazy' to get your way and indulge yourself. If I continue to choose to be addicted to my indulgences for sweets, I eventually (like my father before me) will get sick with diabetes and all that stuff.

Last night's chocolate consumption, a part of bar while I actively cooked with the rest, seemed positive - engaging my senses while I focused on the task at hand. But I indulged myself - I couldn't stand that there was some left over. If I didn't finish it, it would seem incomplete. Unfortunately, it was a big enough portion. eaten late enough, to keep me up past my bedtime. This defies common sense!! I didn't eat it because of addiction, I ate it because I was indulging myself, choosing not to express self-control. If I'm ever going to seriously lose a little weight and keep it off, these lines have to be exposed for what they are. Why didn't I just wrap up a left over portion and save it for a more convenient (non-sleep) time? Maybe now that I know the devil's face, I can recognize him before he fools me into committing self-harm...

BREAKFAST: 8am, good yogurt with honey, vanilla, raw nuts, small serving of fresh chocolate gelato, hunger 3/5
Put the custard into the icecream making device, and it came out incredibly thick, creamy, chocolatey. Once I scraped as much as I could into a container for the freezer, I tasted it....oof, that was a mistake. I immediately ran to B with the chocolatey spoon, who was not enthused to try something so brown n' chunky looking while preening in the bathroom. I gotta say, even though this was my first attempt and messed up on some of the ingredients, even though the total price came to maybe $15/pint, even though the prep time was more than 24 hours, it's STILL yummier than the best gelato I was eating before the dessert fast.

AM WATERING: 10:30am, 24 oz still

BP 10:45am: 135/89
Though high, I'm a little happy it is because I kind of felt that it would be - a lot on my mind, still feel the sugar of the morning in me, feeling the end of my sickness squeaking out.

LUNCH: 2pm, large bowl of veggie booty, apple, hunger 3/5

DINNER: 6pm, small salad, about one pizza's worth of random pizzas, 1 piece chocolate tofu pie, large serving chocolate gelato, 3 glasses of wine & presecco, hunger 4/5
Friends over for a parade of pizza, was fun but due to a cheap-ass pizza stone malfunction, could only do one pie at a time and spent too much time in the kitchen. Pizzas not as good as they could of been due to rushing through the rolling of the dough. Tofu pie was too dry and dense, and the gelato was not aerated enough, probably due to not enough yokes and putting it all the in the icecream making machine at once rather than doing it in batches. Next time will be much better.

Portions A-poppin'

ADDENDA:
Ilsa brought up the question of portion-size - how do I feel my portions are? There have been times I've been gluttonous (Entemann's chocolate donuts with the little chocolate rat-pellets on the top, oh my....) but as an adult I think I've more-or-less toed the societal line with the correct portion....which is to say, probably too big but not considered gluttonous.

This morning I made myself whole-wheat pasta with home made sauce for lunch, and as I was pouring it into an old Chinese food quart container, Betsy asked if some of that was for her, because that was too much for me. Looking at it, looks like a good solid lunch to me that paired with a snack 2-3 hours out will hold me over till dinner. I think more thought needs to be given to the issue.

BREAKFAST: 7:30pm, whole wheat bagel with good butter, hunger 3/5

AM WATERING: 9:15am, 24 oz still

BP: 9:20am, 129/90
Closed my eyes and breathed steadily through my nose for the minute it took to take the reading. Ilsa wants me to focus on my breathing, maybe it'll help me cheat my BP down? :)

LUNCH: 12 noon, quart o' whole wheat pasta with homemade sauce, good dark chocolate, hunger 4/5
A full large chocolate bar is too much, but it was fun sharing it with the Hungry Vegan Society (because quality dark chocolate is ALWAYS vegan) and various work-pals. Felt very conscious of the portion size. Brought it in because want to spend-down all the sweets in the house. I think the only two things left is the lemon sorbet I made this past weekend and the cookie dough in the locked freezer. I think the cookie dough can remain as a 'Break this in case of fire' kind of thing....

PM WATERING: 2:45pm, 24 oz still

PM SNACK: 4pm, vegan jerky, hunger 4/5
Experimenting, maybe protein will be able to help with sugar craving? (The small portion has 500mg of salt, so I don't think this'll work.) Thinking of a Noah-compatible fruit salad....just apples, lemon juice, a little cinnamon, coconut flakes....maybe pear? Banana? Eeeeee.....

PM SNACK: 6pm, large portion of salty popcorn, hunger 4/5
Not a good day for my salt intake. Once I learned the movie would be 2.5 hours long, I had to.

DINNER: 9:30pm, spicy squid with weird noodles, tofu stew, kimchi pancake, little portions of radish kimchee, fried seaweed, weird noodles, marinated vegetables, yummy purple rice, hunger 4/5
Went to a weird soft-tofu Korean joint on 35th with Danny and Soo, and Soo (who is Korean) selected the dishes. Other than a weird fishy fish starter, all was good. Limited my squid intake because it was late and didn't want it to interfere with sleep.

Chocolate Covered Aspirins

ADDENDA:
I definitely lost focus on what I spoke with Ilsa this past week, about curbing my appetite after riding - but I only road 20 miles or so, not really a real super-appetite inducing exertion, but enough to rev it up a bit. I think I AM comfortable enough to start paying attention more to what I eat on the weekends, rather than take that time 'off' from any restrictions. Still no fries or chips, one desert a day, eat more home cooked stuff than out (though I suspect all 3 meals today will be eaten out due to family and social obligations!)

BREAKFAST: 8am, onion bagel with butter and hummus, good yogurt with honey and vanilla, hunger 4/5
Still hungry from yesterdays ride, doubled up on breakfast.

AM SNACK: 11:30am, 1 small square of good dark chocolate, hunger 3/5
I gave a gift of good Jaques Torres chocolate to a friend's mom who is the hospital, who promptly opened it and offered me some. How could I of said no? Of course after eating it I promptly got a thumping headache.

LUNCH: 12:30pm, small handful of olives, a few pieces of cured meat, roasted string beans, excellent wood-fired organic sausage pizza, hunger 3/5
Lunch at Franny's with B's family, wish I was hungrier.

PM SNACKS: 2pm-5pm, a little bit of JT chocolate here, there and 2 aspirin, hunger 3/5
Gave B's cousins kids some chocolate gifts that got spread around, then headed over to my friend Erikka's place, where she was under the weather, so I gave her the chocolate baggy I had bought for myself and had some of that, too. Common sense would dictate I would cut out the chocolate because of the headache, but instead I took 2 aspirin....mmmmm, chocolate covered aspirin!

PM SNACK: 6:30pm, small bowl of organic baby carrots with a dash of sea salt, pint of water, hunger 3/5
Headache in remission, but looking at what I ate, I see I haven't had much water. Will drink a pint right now....

DINNER: 7:15pm, pork egg roll, string beans with shrimp and brown rice, a large high quality dark chocolate bar, hunger 4/5
The brown sauce was surprisingly bland, but resisted putting more salt in this take out dish. Craving chocolate like crazy, took a bar out of the locked freezer. Looking over the day, I ate chocolate at all times during the day, but in very small quantities. This time, however, was not small. So I guess the next time I complain about how I'm not losing weight, dear reader should point me back to this entry!

Mofungo would be a cool gelato flavor

ADDENDA:
Ilsa's meeting was good, we're going to focus on a little weight loss. She referenced the New York article about how exercise encourages weight gain because people don't use self control when indulging an out of control appetite. Well, Ilsa has given me a direct order to control myself when I get off the bike after a long ride.

Up till this point, the weekend is the time I kind of let loose a little and relax. But really, if I want change, I have to change, this ain't the commercial for the miracle pill where you can eat anything and still become a fitness model.

I was a little surprised at her attitude towards my yoga - basically, if you're not feeling it, don't worry, it's not for everyone. Kinda makes me want to give it a full hearing before issuing a judgement.

Ilsa spoke of kinda hitting the self control a little bit harder, using the intensity of work as kind of a lever to focus on, get my mind off, say, a WHOLE day without sweets! Insanity! Derangement! Got the lockable freezer today, I think making a pint of gelato last for a few weeks instead of a few days will be a fun challenge with B....

BREAKFAST: 6:30am, organic cornflakes with good milk, hunger 3/5
Nice that there is no corn syrup, just fructose, and the salt is sea salt.

LUNCH: 12:45pm, small pastrami sandwich with peasoup, pickle and slaw, water, hunger 4/5
Needed the comfort, and the break from the office. Sat down and forced myself to be still for 45 minutes while I finished the Animal Vegetable Miracle book, good stuff. Any book that ends with hot turkey sex (and cute lil' turkey babies) is alright in my world. Really riding the edge of overload at work, but haven't gone over the edge yet...helped that I got my ass in here a little after 7 to figure things out...

DINNER: 7:30pm, mushroom risotto, tuscan panzenella (a salad of tomatos and torn up bread), garlicy white beans and bread, water, hunger 4/5
Wanted to go home and cook, but feeling totally blown out from the day. Was supposed to go to the movies with friends, but I would of fallen asleep during it AND been stressed, so would of been no fun. Fortunately, B was coming home at the same time so we met on the street, and I made a snap decision to skip the cooking and have a nice calm meal out with my wifey. She's good for that!

Check

ADDENDA:
Had a meeting with Ilsa last night and with my MD this morning. Funny, a whole lot of medicalization and concern for a person who isn't sick. This morning, my blood pressure was measured at 134/86, a disappointingly high number. A few minutes later, my blood pressure cuff told me 126/84. I think I need to invest in a monitoring device whose main feature is accuracy, not convenience. Also took a blood sample, if my LDL cholesterol is any different than last time (slightly elevated), I'll be getting a call on Tuesday.

My MD's advice was simple on the face of it: eat less salt and lose weight. He stressed that for naturally elevated blood pressure, outside of drugs, it's weight loss that'll have the most meaningful effect for a pudgy dude like me.

Meeting with Ilsa went well, helping me refocus on goals and what I'm doing. What AM I doing? This whole blog thing is a bit of whipping post for myself to stay focused and disciplined. I am tempted to eat that extra desert or wolf down that plate of fries, a little voice saying oh just one time, it's no big deal, but my fingers say, "HA! Do that and you must confess your sins to the internets!!" It's a method of control. Ilsa thinks I wouldn't suffer from easing up a bit, maybe I'm better off and knowledgeable than I think. Like with the MD, easier said than done. The more I learn, the more I feel that there's even more I don't know! I'm the smartest dummy in the room!

More specifically, starting next week I'm going to push the envelope a bit more and try to pack lunch 3 times a week or so. That'll probably eliminate a large part of the salt and conventional food in my regular diet. And again Ilsa focused on my parents - I find it hard to talk about them without getting melancholy, I just miss them so much. More I think about it, the more I realize some of my bad eating habits were unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally!) set up by them. I'm sure my mom would of loved to argue with me that everything she did was perfect and that I'm crazy. But she'd say it in a semi-funny way, leaving the door open to suggestion. Forceful, but flexible. Probably that's why she was such an excellent executive for most of her career.

Finally, I think I just might go ahead and buy a locking mini-freezer. I could use the extra space to keep extra cold to deep-store home made stuff like spag sauce and hummus. But mainly, I can keep the gelato out of B's hands! I think it's a bit weird and controlling, but Ilsa sees the flipside, me helping B out.

BREAKFAST: 7:30am, yogurt with peanuts and a little honey, hunger 4/5

AM SNACK: 9:30am, 24 oz flat water

LUNCH #1: 1pm, 6" turkey/swiss on whole wheat from Subway, hunger 4/5
Walked across town to look at clothes, wanted to eat something different, but so many long lines. Hadn't had subway in a long time. Looking at the ads, the 'healthy meal' combo involved diet coke and tasteless baked chips, yuuuuk. Used to like this food, now the turkey tasted almost unpleasantly salty.

It also occured to me that duuuh, I can make a kick-ass tasty sandwich at home and bring it to work. Superhippy bread, pesto-marinated thin-sliced tofu, mmmmm.....

LUNCH #2: 3pm, 2 potato samosa, sweet potato noodles, ginger tofu, hunger 4/5
On Tamar and Ilsa's recommendation, I took the effort to check out Green Symphony on 43rd off 7th, snuggled next to the old NY Times building. I heard an interesting interview with an economist who said he allowed economic theory to help him eat better. Restaurants on main drags with higher rents depend on volume, while those on side streets depend on the quality of their food and experience to create repeat customers. Well, Green Symphony is clearly the later.

It's a very small health-food shop near the heart of Times Square, clearly there for the people who work there and need an alternative to the McDonalds and Ben & Jerry's that is just a few doors away on 7th. I trawled through the hot and cold food bars, impressed at the number of organic dishes. Too much chicken - I'd much rather eat organic beef or pork than chicken. Too much fear of the red and other-white meat! Still, this carb-heavy snack was satisfying, and look forward to trying some of the more vegetable-oriented stuff on the two bars...

PM SNACK: 5:15pm, 4 oz of Sprite from the dispenser, hunger 3/5
Walking by the office kitchenette, a sprig of curiosity -will I still like soda? Not the fake diet stuff, but full sugar. Took a big swig of sprite...tasted a little like acidy lysol, lemony fresh. Burning acidy aftertaste all the way down my gullet, 5 minutes later could still feel it in my stomach. Overpoweringly cloying and sweet. Wow. Nasty.

PM SNACK: 6:30pm, 1 chocolate chip cookie, hunger 4/5
They were giving away freebies at Wholefoods! I was hungry! It jumped down my throat!

DINNER: 8pm, smoked scallops in a butter/wine/green onion sauce over whole wheat pasta, a large portion of cinnamon gelato, 1 glass white wine, water
An experimental meal, came out nice, but not restaurant-ready. I was originally thinking scallops and bacon, but these looked interesting. Unfortunately, I should of remembered B doesn't like smoked fish, and scallop and bacon does not equal a smoked scallop in her book. Oh well, live and learn, I will please my overly-complimentary wife yet!! (She will yell and moan that is was great, because she's a sweety, but bottom line is I goofed!)

I froze two meal-sized portions of the pasta, for lunches the next few weeks....

Burgerfest 2007

ADDENDA:
Super busy at work.

BREAKFAST: 8:30am, decadent oatmeal, small amount of water, dirt pill, hunger 4/5
In Ilsa's meeting last night, I hinted at maybe a shift in focus to the most boring thing to read about in a blog, losing a little bit of weight. I know from past reading that keeping a consistent stream of food in you is key - ideally, a lot of small meals scattered through the day instead of 3 (or, like yesterday, 2) monster meals. So breakfast is key. If anything has evolved more than anything for me during this blog, so far it's been breakfast. Decadent oatmeal, pancakes from scratch, plain yogurt revealed to be delicious, bagels with magical butter of the grass...what could be next?!

AM SNACK: 24 oz still water

LUNCH: 2:30pm, half pound organic burger on whole wheat bun with all the fixin's, slaw, small amount of non-dairy mashed potatos, hunger 4/5
Went to "Better Burger" with Tamar, a chain place whose hook is organic non-hormonal meat, healthy everything. I thought about fries, then went with the slaw, but then I noticed the fries there are actually baked, but ruled against it anyway - baked fries is kinda as pointless as soy milk to my taste buds. As I'm eating the burger, I realized I had made a play date with a good friend to eat at Shake Shack near where Ilsa (and B) works this evening - burgers-a-poppin'! I'm not a big burger fan, so I guess one day of multiple burgers won't kill me....

DINNER: 8pm, 2 hamburgers with ketchup, one bratwurst with onion and pickle, a handful of frenchfries, a cup of chocolate custard, hunger 4/5
Shake Shack is NOT all that. I waited in line with my friend Yana a good 30 minutes, it's a good thing we had a lot to talk about because we hadn't seen each other much for a good month before the wedding, because if I was really impatient I would of been pissed. The burgers were a tad dry, a little salty, on generic white burger buns. The dog was generic.

I was sorely tempted to get fries, because this is the kind of meals you get fries with, and unlike Better Burger, no other sides were offered. As we got to the front of the line, I saw someone in the kitchen with a big box of "FROZEN POTATO FRIES" on their shoulder - so much for gourmet. Yana got fries, and didn't finish them. So I had one, it wasn't that good. Then the remainder on the plate jumped up and popped in my mouth, I had nothing to do with it, I swear! It was a moment of weakness, but they just didn't taste very good, my resolve is strengthened.

The chocolate custard, however, was the bomb diggitty. I will definitely be back for that, but as for the burgers and food, total hype. My lunch burger wasn't all that, but it was superior to that hockey puck.

BOOM!

ADDENDA:
Met with Ilsa last night, first time in what feels like a long time. She felt my sickness was a 'healing crisis' of some sort - my body adjusting to the changes in diet. I think that might be a part of it, but the wedding planning hasn't helped.

A few people have mentioned to me in the last few weeks that I look like I've lost weight. I didn't believe them, as I feel like despite cutting back on sugar, I'm eating more calories to feel more satiated to avoid snacks. I don't like obsessing over weight numbers - I actually do the opposite, only getting weighed at doctor's appointments. Well, Ilsa asked me to weigh myself, as my medical record says I last weighed 229. I stepped on B's scale this morning....230! Ha! The miracle Pork diet: eat all the pork and butter you want, look skinnier and remain the same weight! I think among other goals, figuring out an ideal do-able weight and eating/cycling my way torwards it will be a focus after the wedding.

What I write here is open to the public, and despite it not being advertised, I guess I do edit myself to keep it within those restrictions of palatability. At my meeting with Ilsa, she was digging a little deeper at me, and I was unsure how to respond, how far to open up, about what. She is looking at nutrition holistically, and I need to take advantage of that.....but I'm not gonna splay my guts for all YOU to see, he he.

I leave work tomorrow, so tomorrow will be my last post till Sept 11th, when I go back to work. When I get back, I'm going to reread this entire blog and try to reflect a little bit about where I was and where I'm going. I think the nature of this blog will become more personal, and at the same time certain entries will have to be restricted to just me and Ilsa. I mean, do you really want to read about how Betsy's passion for monkey-abuse really scares me and turns me on at the same time?! (I KEED! I KEED!)

Or not. I'm mulling it over.

BREAKFAST: 8:30am, crumpet with butter, small amount of seltzer, hippietablet, hunger 3/5
Excellent, thick, ropey sleep. Felt refreshed....

AM SNACK: 10AM, 24 oz still water.
....which is a good thing, because I had a tsunami of meetings, projects and managing of personalities from the second I stepped in the door.

LUNCH: 3:30pm, falafel sandwich on whole wheat pita with no pickle, chocolate icecream cone, hunger 5/5
When I got out of a meeting at 3pm, I realized I was hungry. Went back to my desk to do some last minute followups, but realized I was on the verge of collapse. Must....eat. Never occured to me to ask for whole wheat with the falafel. As I was walking back, I felt like I needed something to shut my stomach up. The icecream cone will hopefully be my one desert for the day. I like that I ate it strategically, rather than from a craving.

DINNER: 7:30pm, 3 slices of good pizza, light on the bufalla moz, one of them with thin slices of salami, water, 1 beer, a large handful of See's Chocolates, hunger 3/5
More friends from afar are in town, 10 of us got together at Isabella's Oven, was a good time. One friend from Cali brought a nice box of See's Chocolates - I wanted to just not touch it but Betsy insisted on opening them and sharing them. Once the smell wafted in my nose, I said, damn, well, I'm about to stop blogging for a while and chill. I NEED THOSE CHOCOLATES! AAAAIGH! I did eat light all day anway and dinner was relatively restrained, and it's not often these friends are around and these chocolates aren't available here and I don't really need any more justifications for being a choco-pig....

Apple Turnovers from Heaven (Saturday)

ADDENDA:

I woke at 5am to make a 6:20 train to Garrison with my road bike. Off the train at 8, my lungs were burning and my legs were screaming about five minutes later as I pushed my way up the steep grade from river to hilltop. Three miles east lay my parent's gravesite, which I visited and had a good cry and an outloud conversation, saying things I would of taken great pleasure in saying to them if they were here.

Thing is, I did this journey a few weeks before I left for my cross country bikeride - I wanted to attack and climb the hills of the Hudson Valley to get me ready for the climbs of the California mountains and Ozarks. This time I went more to commune with the folks, get my head clear as we come closer to my wedding day.

On the previous ride, I distinctly remember my hunger and what I ate - a slice of pizza outside of Croton-Harmon and a big plate of Chinese food around Irvington. Add to that a huge case of the runs in the public bathroom outside the 1 train in Van Cordlant Park.... This time, my mood was more....serene. The ride went by in a flash, the hills weren't as challenging as I remember (bumps compared to the Ozarks) and what I ate was considerably different....

BREAKFAST #1: 5:30am, toasted bagel with good butter, hunger 2/5. Not hungry, but too early to buy donuts. Even Dunkin' doesn't open till 6am.

BREAKFAST #2: 10am, BLT bagel, bag of linden cookies (lots of water), hunger 3/5. Outside the graveyard at Adams Corner's, me and mom ate snacks here several times when we visited my father. The smell of bacon tempted me. This is the first time having conventional bacon in a while, and I was kinda surprised how much I didn't like it - salty to the point of unpleasantness, it actually interfered with the porky, smokey flavor that makes bacon so good.

AM SNACK: 11:30ish, swig of fizzy water (lots of water). Ilsa gave me a packet of something as an alternative to Emergen-C, which I was hoping to use as a low-sodium replacement for Gatorade. Emergenn-C tasted like pee to me. This stuff tasted like burnt pee. I think I'm going to invent my own sports drink involving fresh citrus and apple juices (from a juicer), honey, water etc. Doesn't this Emergen-C stuff come in a pill?

PM SNACK: 1pm, apple turnover (lots of water), hunger 2/5. I passed through a huge farmers market in Peekskill about 10 miles away from Adams Coerns, but I was still bacon-stuffed. Another 20 miles up and down, I was grinding up the hill in Ossening, I remembered the farmers market there from the previous mountain bike ride, but I just was not hungry. As I squeaked past the turnoff, the idea of CIDER DONUTS raced through my mind, and I immediately turned back and shot down the hill. The donut peeps were there, but this time I had a big apple turnover.

Oh man. Growing up, I loved them hostess apple pies, with the little bits of dehydrated white apple in syrupy apple bath enveloped by a flakey crust. As an adult, I rarely eat these, as they're way too sweet and kinda crappy tasting. This apple turnover was the adult version. The crust was light and flakey, encrusted with granulated sugar but more buttery than sweet. The insides was a dark brown apple mush, equal parts sweet and tart, and overwhelmingly apple-y - absolutely no syrup, and didn't need any. I got a good slow sugar rush, that pushed me back up the hill.

PM SNACK: 4:30pm, large wedge of watermelom, hunger 4/5. Taking the train home from Van Cordlant, I realized I had enough energy to ride all the way home, but not enough time. Had a cliff bar on me, but just wasn't hungry. By the time I got home and relaxed, my stomach loosened and my jaw slackened and down went the watermelon. Yum!

PM SNACK: 5:30pm, 3 graham crackers with organic peanutbutter, hunger 4/5. Ravenous.

DINNER: 7:00pm, large mostly vegetarian Ethiopina meal, hunger 4/5. Ate with B and her mom, whose never had Ethiopian food before. Ordered a weird beef n' kale thing to go along with, my muscles were a little burnt and long-chain proteins like beef help quicken recovery.

PM SNACK: 9pm, cherry italian ice, hunger 3/5. Jonesing for sweets, felt good.

PM SNACK: midnight, one bite of gnochi, small bowl of rice crispies and whole milk, hunger 3/5. Hunger from the day's activity reared up again. Tried making some frozen gnochi, but didn't let the water boil and it became an unappetizing porridge. The small bowl of cereal satisfied me.

Binge-man Vs. Breakfast Zero

BREAKFAST ZERO: Last night I was determined not to eat any sweets or snacks. Ilsa said at some point I'm going to have to sacrifice to see any changes. This french fry ban is fine, but I'm not a big french fry dude. Obviously, my sweets intake is driven by something big.

I felt fine at 10:30 when I got home, though I heard the dulche gelato kind of calling me. I didn't say anything, but it must of been written on my face, because Betsy sweetly asked me to not eat gelato so late at night. Part of me wanted to eat some just so she didn't think I wasn't eating it because she told me not to. But if I ate some, I'd have to write about it here, and how lame is that? So I showered, watched some TV, read more in the food-education book, put myself down around 12:30.....hungry, easily 4/5.

I remembered how when I travelled Europe by backpack, my food intake dropped drastically because of the language barrier, lack of cash and the lack of an open kitchen to graze in late at night in youth hostels. I went to sleep hungry often, because I had no choice. I lost weight. But now, 1:30am and staring at the ceiling, wide awake....I'm of the theory that if you can't sleep, you should get out of bed and do something till you feel like sleeping....but all I wanted to do was eat! Eat gelato.

So I got up to zoom in on the boob tube, and it occured to me. Weekends I can loosen up a bit and indulge. But 5 work days, I have eat in a more goal-oriented way. It's 2 in the morning. Rather than snack, let's do breakfast. Breakfast Zero! Toasted a garlic bagel, slathered it in the good butter. Enjoyed eating it. Clock said 2:12. Still hungry. Want more. This is the begining of a binge, I thought. OK, I will wait 8 minutes, and after those 8 minutes, I'll eat gelato. For the first 2 minutes, my eye kept wandering to the time, but then the TV distracted me and all of a sudden it was 2:30. Huh. Felt sleepy, went to bed. In the battle of binge vs. breakfast zero, zero won. I had a small twinge of pride - I didn't avoid late eating, but I did go waking hours without sweets.

BREAKFAST: 8:30am, large bowl of hot oatmeal and a small banana, small amount of lime seltzer, hunger 3/5. Would of been hungrier, but was groggy and not feeling too hot. The organic oatmeal had no discernable difference than the usual Quaker Oats. I put in a pinch of sea salt and a pinch of evaporated cane suger - noticed it tasted too salty! Need butter and maybe milk next time. Banana was oddly satisfying, maybe my body is in a bit of a sweets-riot mood?

AM SNACK: 10am, 24 oz still water, mint.

LUNCH: 12:30, turkey and swiss on whole wheat, big bag of sunchips, hunger 4/5. At the deli accross the street, the smallest bag od sunchips was the 99cent bag, but the whole bag had 20% daily sodium, which for a pile of chips is low. When I ordered the sandwich, the counter person asked, "fresh turkey?" to which I said yes - it was real baked sliced turkey breast, not a salty pressed mess! It was a little dry and stringy, but tasted pretty salt-free. And only 2 slices of cheese, so what I thought would be a salt-bomb of a lunch was actually pretty reasonable. An hour later in a meeting, I found myself having energy and felt good.

PM SNACK: 5:15pm, 6 lindens cookies, hunger 4.5/5. Feeling very tired, groggy, very hungry, slammed by meeting all day. Almost went for a haagen dazz bar, but thought I should save ice cream for the good gelatto. Lindens are not organic, but at least they're baked in NYS. About 10x more ingredients than the organic cookies, and now that I'm payiing more attention to them, they leave a slightly unpleasant bitter feeling in my mouth after eat them which I don't get from the organic cookie. Hmmm. Wanted this snack because I'm going to Trader Joes after work to pick up something to go with the corn, didn't want to be starving...

DINNER: 8pm, sauted shrimp and mushrooms, sweet corn on the cob, gelatto. Hunger 3/5. Fun cooking raw frozen shrimp from trader joes, in a simple preparation of butter, garlic, lime juice and tabasco (and a dash of sea salt) - for some reason I never ooked shrimp, it was surprisingly easy, encouraged by the instructions on the bag. I want to learn how to peel and devein myuself, so I can get frsh from chinatown. The sweet corn from the farmers market was horrible, not sweet and a little gummy. Gelatto ruled as usual.

Soy 'Milk' is gross.

ADDENDA: Wore my il lab T-shirt to work today. Lordy, thats some good stuff. Ten pint tops get a free t-shirt. We're working on one for Betsy right now. Sorry, Ilsa.

BREAKFAST: 8:30am, bowl of cornflakes with unsweetened soy milk, hunger 3/5. Even though I got the good milk yesterday, I forgot about the oatmeal, and now that I think about it, some bananas would rock a breakfast, too, and maybe help with the sweets thing. I still have this unsweetened soy milk in stock, and it would feel dumb to throw it away, so I had it with the cereal. It's kinda like slightly chalky water, now that I really focus on what it tastes like, and especially after eating cereal with the good milk last week.

AM SNACK: 10am, 24 oz still water, mint, hunger 3/5. Hot out. My breakfast wasn't big enough. I think that's a constant problem. Maybe I should have a second breakfast, like I have multiple lunches? Maybe something I can regularly pack?

LUNCH: Noon, falafel 'platter', shrimp & rice platter, hunger 4/5. Went out for falafel, felt like I needed something more substantial than just a sandwich. Got the so-called platter, which was just the sandwich packaged in it's individual components, with a little more lettuce. Walking back, saw the good lamb cart, got their nicely spiced shrimp with veg and basmanti, brought it back to the office. Now feel really full, in a good way. As I was walking between the carts, I thought about what I craved specifically....not sweets, it was a craving but also a stomach-clenched hunger....I craved carbs! Rice, potatoes, pasta, heavy starch. Weird, never thought of it that way. Maybe because I skipped out on a heavy starch last night?

PM SNACK: 2:30pm, organic chocolate chip cookie, 24 oz still water. hunger 2/5. Big lunch is sitting in my stomach nicely, but the cravings for sugar came on strong. These mad moose products are too sweet, which is odd, as they are not fat-free or something dumb like that. Like the person who formulated the recipe wasn't confident that the quality of their ingredients wouldn't shine, so they've decided to mask it by knocking you out with sweetness. About 30 minutes after this cookie, got a headache...

DINNER: 7:15pm, large cold sesame noodles, large spinach salad, hunger 4/5. Quick dinner at Dojo before the movie. The carrot ginger dressing tasted salty, used it sparingly. Ordered a big mass of noodles on purpose, see how it would make me feel, how it would satiate me. Well, I felt fine through dinner and when I went to Whole Foods on the way home to pick up oatmeal and bananas, I didn't feel like buyinig any sweets.

Everything in the World is Salty.

ADDENDA:
Today I meet with Ilsa, so I need to recap the last couple of weeks, can't go in there with an empty head. Ofcouse, immediately after, I will be taking B to shmancy restaurant to celebrate our 2nd anniversary since our first date, where I will violate all sorts of rules and scripture. Actually, the restaurant local sources most of it's product, so it'll be a step above KFC.

I salted the brocolli yesterday. Exactly how much salt is a miligram? The low-salt cook book Ilsa gave me at my last meeting scares me a little - each recipe is obsessive about how much salt, down to measuring the trace amounts of salt in salt-free ingredients. EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD HAS SALT IN IT. I get it, let's move on. Plus, a lot of the recipes call for scary industrial things like 'low-salt bullion cube' and name some brand. I thought cooking means you use the unprocessed elements, and you use them like blocks to build something more than the sum of it's parts. Some of this low-salt cooking is more like low-salt preparing. Boiling dry pasta in salt-free water and throwing jarred sauce over it is preparing. Making pasta from flower and water by hand and throwing sauce over it you made yourself is cooking. I've been preparing for years, just like my mamma used to. I wanna cook.

My friend Tamar is going to ride the NYC Century with me in early September - she's not a dedicated cyclist, so this is a big deal for her. I would love to have her for company on a ride like this, so motivate her I promised that if she completed the century, I would take a month of yoga classes. I've never done yoga and think it's all a bit trendy and hyped, but she's just as hardcore about yoga as I am about cycling, and in September after the wedding, I'll have a head to focus on stuff more constructive than menus, guest lists and registries.

Rereading this blog, I don't know what I've learned these past few weeks...I guess my sweet tooth is larger than I thought, it took recording it open my eyes. My dad had a big sweet tooth, too, it lead him to diabetes in later life. Kicking diet coke was no big deal, don't think about it or desire it. Chocolate gelato, on the other hand....5 donut Sundays.....he he he.

I got broccoli and not asparagus yesterday because I was feeling lazy and never cooked asparagus before. I've seen veg like brocolli cooked on various food television shows and dealt with it before, but Asparagus is the great unknown...I've had it at restaurants, usually it's good, but....I gotta get out more.

BREAKFAST: 8:15 am, off-brand rice crispies with unhomogenized whole milk, hunger 4/5. A little insomnia last night, strong sugar cravings but knew it would keep me up longer. Couldn't sleep because felt excited about me and B's 2nd anniversary the next day, Tamar riding with me and yoga, good things at work. Woke up hungry, which is a nice feeling. You know you're alive. Fun to shake the milk, too. This was my first time drinking this milk, I only used it for pancakes before. Wow. It has this dairy flavor to it, and thickness to it, too. Sweet but not cloying.

LUNCH #1: 12:15am, 2 small trays of sushi, hunger 4/5. From the lobby shop of the building, absolutely horible, must of been sitting there for a few days. Just craving sushi. Did not use soy sauce. Reminds me of when I was a kid, was at some boyscout summer camp my older brother was attending, me and mom went on visiting day. Went into 'town' to a bar that had food. They mostly did burgers, but there was pizza on the menu. Both my brother and I desperately wanted pizza, but my mom warned us it was not wise to order pizza in a burger joint. We got it anyway, and despite our large appetites, could not eat most of it - it was disgusting. (I've since learned it unwise to order pizza anywhere except in the 5 boros and Italy) Don't order pizza in a burger joint and don't buy sushi in a corporate lobby.

PM SNAK: 20 oz still water

LUNCH #2: 3:45, falafel sandwich from kosher cart, hold the pickle, hunger 4/5. Funny, my stomach went from feeling queazy for hours after that suspicious sushi to hungry in the space of 5 minutes. Avoided a salty pickle, but the falafel balls themselves taste kinda salty, the same way the kasha did, but not as intense. Felt good to be hungry again.

PM SNACK: Didn't want to eat it, tried to resist, but there was a birthday in the office, tried not to go over, but unfortunately I like the people in my office. Was hoping to feel a little virtuous right before going to see Ilsa, oh well....

DINNER: 7:30pm, roasted pork loin with cheek, fragrant sausage, small amount of gnochi in butter sauce, heirloom tomato salad, fava and pecorino salad, few pieces of bread n' butter, water, 1 glass presecco, half a choclate & peanut butter tart with caramel icecream, hunger 2/5. Unfortunately that dumb cupcake destroyed my appetite, but this was STILL a fabulously tasty meal with a fabulously tasty woman, my 2nd anniversary with B. The only thing I didn't think was 5 stars was the desert, the tart was good but underwhelming.

I Can't Believe It's Butter!

ADDENDA:
Last night's steak was very pleasurable, enjoyed it more than i thought i would - perhaps it was the context of the celebration and the warm vibes of two good friends catching up after a long time apart. The ladies ordered boring entrees - a seared tuna salad and a sauted salmon, zzzzzzz. Though they both claimed they were too full for desert, when my chocolate cake came they definitely had their share. So much so I had to go buy a couple of madelines after to get my sweets in.

Ilsa asked me to write in this journal not only what I'm eating, but what I want but choose not to eat. Thing is, I'm not one to really deny myself what I want. What I choose usually IS what I want. I don't know if this is self-delusion or something, but I don't feel like I've denied myself anything up to this point. Diet coke, whatever, it's nice but I don't miss it. Had a half glass of champagne last night, not because I was trying to be good but because I've never really liked alcohol, taste or how it makes me feel. Denying myself what I want is not fun, so should I really pick apart the subliminal process I've developed to let me feel like nothing is being denied? I guess self-knowledge is better than fear of upsetting the applecart.

This morning in the shower, NPR mentioned an upcoming interview with author Barbara Kingsolver on her book about eating locally, and how eating is one of those rare ocassions where acting ethically coincides directly with increased pleasure. Another argument for my grass-fed butter infatuation!

BREAKFAST: 7:45am Onion bagel with grass fed butter, pint of lime seltzer. Hunger 3/5. Felt good, good sleep on the new bed, though hunger did wake me up several times this morning - Rufus's hunger! He was meowing like he was James Brown. Ilsa has suggested trying flat water instead of so much carbonated water, I'm going to limit my seltzer intake on a trial basis, but it's an excellent breakfast treat. Now if they could carbonate bacon...

LUNCH: 1pm cajun seitan sandwich with kale, sauted onions on a whole wheat bun, a little vegan mayo (salty), a side of coleslaw, water. Hunger 3/5. Quiet at work, pedalled up through Central Park to Candle Cafe on the UES. Water they serve is only a little cooler than room temp, and many times before people have remarked on the yumminess of there water. I wonder if it's tap or filtered. Tasted OK to me. I was really happy with the sandwich, but upon thinking about my baser instincts, I probably would of chosen french fries instead of coleslaw, but the slaw was quite yummy.

PM SNACK: 2pm, 20oz tap water that was poured before I left for lunch. Not hungy but thirsty, rode hard to avoid rain. I see what Ilsa says about water having more flavor when its room temp, but not sure whether thats a plus or not. Don't mind it, though.

PM SNACK: 4:15pm, largish chocolate chip cookie icecream sandwich, 20 oz sill water, hunger 4/5. Craving sweets, and hadn't had an icecream sandwich in a while. "Toll House" brand, sold in the commisary in the lobby, everything about it screams industrial...but where does one go to get a handmade organic icecream sandwich when your craving it? 320mg of sodium, damn. Slight head ache before I decided to go get this.

DINNER: 6pm. medium green salad with italian dressing, pasta with basil pesto and grated cheese, glass of seltzer, a few small pieces of baking chocolate. hunger 2/5 - Not horrendously hungry after the icecream sandwich, but I was supposed to go to an early evening kareoke thing with coworkers and thought it unwise to go on anything other than a near-full stomach. Despite not being that hungry, the pasta was delicious, pesto from whole foods. I tried to make pesto once, it came out bitter and gross, I think I used too much basil and too little oil.

EVENING: 8pmish. 2 saporro drafts. To be social, didn't give me any buzz thanks to dinner, but did get me through a cringe-inducing renditon of "Into the Groove"

EVENING: Midnight. 7 frozen shrimp dumplings from a korean grocery. Hunger 3/5. Sleeping really well last 2 nights, but was slow winding down this evening, the alcohol probably didn't help. I have all those frozen dumplings from Koreatown, I sometimes crave them but after eating these dumpling, they ARE kinda gross and salty. And after reading about all the insanely underinspected food imports coming in from Asia, it adds to a layer of creepiness. Rather than use myself as a trash can, I think I'm going to clear some stuff out of the freezer this weekend.

Deny your God, Worship your Land

ADDENDA:
Met with Ilsa yesterday, a lot of food for thought (no pun, I swear). In the next two weeks, I hope to experiment with a few things. One, I gotta hit up some farmer's markets, whole foods or whatever and kind of graze and find some veg I haven't had before and take it home and, I dunno, slather it in that yummy butter or something. Secondly, I've never been one to subscribe to 'organic', but after reading the 'Real Food' book, there may be something to tradionally manufactured food - whole grass-fed milk instead of soy milk may be a fun experiment. Happy meat, happy diary, happy veg, happy fruit and grain - if environmentally sound food happens to taste better and make me feel better, I won't become an environmentalist but I will support it's cause. If I'm going to change my diet for the better, man or Land, it has to be ridiculously delicious.

Naming these entries by date is boring. A long time favorite muscian, Julian Cope, just put out a new record dripping in his usual anti-Religion, Druidistic rantings, but on the inside of the booklet is scrawled "DENY YOUR GOD, WORSHIP YOUR LAND". If denying God will get me nicely yellow delicious grass-fed butter, then there's something to the argument!

BREAKFAST: 7:30am, large bowl of kellogs cornflakes, unsweetened soy milk, hunger 3/5. Felt like having diner bacon and pancakes (I did get a Fresh Direct order yesterday with organic pancake mix and nitrate-free bacon which has sea-salt instead of salt as an ingredient) Looking forward to experimenting with non-salt non-corn syrup morning cereals. Waiting for the bed to come. No headache this morning, but as I sit here an hour after eating, it's there, very slightly. Gonna save the pancakes and bacon for when I have time and it's a treat, maybe before or aftering biking.

LUNCH: 12 noon, large green salad from home with dressing from the cafeteria, 2 sushi rolls from cafeteria, 20 oz of still water. Hunger 4/5
Used Balsamic dressing, seemed the least evil of the bunch but who knows whats in it. Should experiement with making my own dressings. Salad was good, sushi was ok, not that fresh, pretty standard. No dessert, but feel like I could tuck into a mess of chocolate chip cookies right now. Headache has returned about 45 minutes after eating, slow and dull. Ate early because I needed too, breakfast with no snacks is not enough to satisfy me to a more normal lunch hour.

PM SNACK: 1:30pm, packet of 3 fudge cookies, hunger 2/5.
Craved them. Sweetness, chocolate. Headache got stronger. After eating them, headache receded, though not completely. A blood sugar thing?

4:45pm, 25 cent handful of plain chocolate M&Ms. hunger 4.5/5. Just hungry, no headache. Going to Balthazar with B & her friend, wanted to save my appetite, but this is just uncomfortable. I guess if I had no discretion, would go out and get a slice of pizza or two. This should hold me till dinner, which I imagine will be big n' yummy.

DINNER: 6:30pm, medium rare bar steak with fries, small portions of lobster risotto, walnut herb ravioli, warm goat cheese tart, white and whole wheat bread n' butter, half a glass of champagne, a few glasses of water, about a 3rd of a warm chocolate cake, two chocolate madelines. hunger 4/5. Went to Balthazar with B and her friend Patty, who was visiting town on business from LA. A bit of a celebratory meal in honor of our impending nupitals, I conciously decided to not overthink what I was going to eat and go with what I was in the mood for. I tend not too eat steak too often, as it makes me feel crappy - I'm that concious of what I eat, at least. But I desired it. It tasted SO GOOD. No headache after. Slept excellently (on new bed, with new bride, he he) and though I worried the steak would catch up with me, had a good morning.

EVENING SNACK: a couple of glasses of still water