Quit? Fired? Promoted? Demoted? What?

Today, I quit the restaurant. Well, not exactly quit. Not really fired. Maybe promoted? Demoted? A lateral move? Somewhere in between? I came in extra early this morning to get everyone going on prep, charging from 8:30am onwards. When L came in late, around 11:15, I felt pretty good about where we were at, ready to meet the charge of a busy all-day Saturday, but he started in from the first second.

Floor is dirty, clean as you go, bad habits, blah blah blah. I had everyone working in a straight ahead and orderly plan, banging out the tasks, but L was questioning whether I was watching them or not. What is this about? I just kind of stood there and stared dumbly, as I was expecting some acknowledgement that we were on it, and instead I was being shouted at for pretty much being incompetent. Very weird. A disconnect between what I perceive to be happening and what L perceives to be happening. He pretty much puts me on notice and says he doesn't like my style and that I'm not getting it and that I can't make pizza to save my life and on and on, it's now a bit of a blur. I let that sit through the lunch service and he continued.

It was a moment not unlike when I decided to end my cross country bike trip. After having everything that could go wrong go wrong at me on that trip after a month and a half, things had settled in and I felt great about what I had done...but it was enough. In this case, I felt like today I put more effort into getting this restaurant on track than ever before -- I came in 2 hours early, I got the troops rallied and organized, everything was clicking, front of house seemed to be coming together, L running late -- maybe he's loosening up a little? Only 4 hours sleep and little to eat, but a caffeine blast has me feeling sprightly. Today is going to be a good day!

The whiplash of such positivity and solidness to be turned around by such negativity and shakiness....it didn't make me mad, sad or angry. Just a light bulb that turns on, that illuminates the path to the "no duh!" thing to do. I even said it out loud, overheard by the pizza cook, after L's last blast at me. I said, "That's it. I think I've had enough." A couple hours later after lunch, I asked L for a private conversation, we went outside I presented back to him how I interpreted his criticism. I think he needs a kitchen manager who is an experienced pizza man, my lack of experience is affecting his moods which is hampering the restaurant, and how he was being too nice by not firing me. The words felt odd leaving my lips, but I was speaking in a different language, a language I've gained a little fluency in in the last 3 months or so....Louish. Pig Louin?

Anyway, I told him I wasn't going to screw him, and that my last day would be tomorrow. I'd be open to helping out with the other things I've been working on outside of the kitchen, but everything that has been causing him to raise his voice to me has to come to an end after tomorrow.

His tone changed, but then customers started coming in, he asked to continue this conversation later. By this point in the afternoon, several staff were asking me why I was so glum all day and I made the pointed decision to tell a few, in particular my team. This was not the most professional thing, but I knew it would force L's hand. In some dysfunctional relationships, the couple will build and build tension until a freak out, a big release, then start all over again. By going a little public with this would limit L's ability to patch up the damage he (or perhaps I) caused to our current professional relationship. Some thing's gotta change.

I worked in the kitchen prepping through the dinner shift, mostly avoiding the pizza and appetizer station. I did do some of that, also ran a delivery, jumping in where ever needed. When things cooled down, I sat at the bar with a friend of the restaurant and shot the breeze, before heading back close to 10 to ask L if I should take inventory, or show someone else how. He asked me if I wanted to leave, to which I replied no, I'm not ditching, I want to do the right thing. So I did inventory, organized the bottle returns, ran down various stuff with the team, everything was in pretty good shape all told due to the prep we got done in the morning. Had to slap myself on the back, as no one was doing it for me!

L & I spoke more this evening, he was a little annoyed that I had spoken to others but defended myself in Louisms -- it was the absolute truth, I had informed him first, and everyone who told him what they heard were all a little bit gossipy and exaggerating. I know some peeps from the restaurant read this blog from time to time (hey T!) so I won't go into the details of this discussion, other than that alternate roles are being weighed in my participation in the restaurant. That, and some down-the-rabbit-hole scenarios I had to dismiss out of hand. Oh the stories I'll tell! I really need to get to bed now, it's 2:12 am...

Oh, and this evening I weighed in at 210.8 pounds. Jeepers!

BREAKFAST: 7am, organic cheerios with dead organic milk, .5 bowl, hunger 4/5

RESTAURANT HAZE: 8:30am-12:30am, a Manhattan Special, a bit of flounder and bread, water, lemonade, mandorla, a 1 oz meatball, a few Italian cookies, a few snippets of spinach, a slice of cucumber, a rootbeer, a cream soda, anger, pride, ego, ? bowl, hunger ?/?

AM SNACK: 1am, a canoli, an eclair, .75 bowl, hunger 4/5
When you drop 5 lbs in a week, this is what you eat Saturday night/Sunday morning!

Burnie

Saw the most fantastic picture of the baby in utero, totally B's chin, the strong Frankenberger cleft chin. Hrumph! Busy from 10am to midnight, then had to decompress with some of the staff after. I guess I should've just gone home and slept, but I'd be bouncing off the walls.

BREAKFAST: 8:45am, cornflakes and milk, .25 bowl, hunger 4/5

RESTAURANT HAZE 10am-midnight, a slice here, a slice there (L claims I burnt a pie, but it was only charred on the crust, still very edible), a snippet of gelato, a few glasses of lemonade, a short glass of beer, taste of dressed red pepper, several glasses of water, taste of prosciutto ball mix, a couple of cucumber wedges, a little really lame red velvet cake, ? bowls, hunger ??/?
Staff lunch was pepper and eggs, and eggs just turn my stomach, so my burnie had to do it for me.

LATE NIGHT SNORT: 1am, 1 pint of beer, .5 bowl, hunger 4/5
I could've gone on, but between the buzz I got, knowing I had to do it again in 7 hours, and missing the very pregnant B, cut it short. Good thing I'm not 25, or I'd be out right now tearing dat sh@t up.

Never enough sleep, it seems

After conking out at 8:30pm, woke at 6pm feeling weird -- hungry, tired and energized at the same time. I suspect my body is fighting off a bug, but the adrenaline that the resto gives me has been smacking it down. Despite the full night of sleep, found myself dozing off during class.

BREAKFAST: 6:45am, yogurt with honey and vanilla, .5 bowl, hunger 4/5
Woke up hungry in a bad way, like my stomach in a knot. This helped.

AM SNACK: 8am, blueberry muffin, water, .5 bowl, hunger 4/5
Still hungry when I got to school. I hate Starbucks, but their pastries are so much better than the carts.

AM SNACK: 10am, can of Welch's Grape Soda, .5 bowl, hunger 4/5
Falling asleep, got this out of a school vending machine in hopes of waking up, did not help.

PM SNACK: 12:45pm, mediocre sicilian slice, .5 bowl, hunger 4/5
We ordered a drier moz from our cheese maker, but what they sent yesterday was aged and too dry, so we sent it back. What we got today was fresher and looser, but drier and tighter than what we've been using. This slice was used with the aged stuff, and it truly made for an inferior product.

LUNCH: 4:30pm, small salad, gelato, .75 bowl, hunger 4/5
L was making anything, so I just busted out some special salads for the peeps.

RESTAURANT HAZE: 5-10pm, snippet of lemonade, taste of spinach, bite of cheese crisp, .25 bowl, hunger 4/5

EVENING SNARF: 10:30pm, small scoop of gelato, a small cup of tap beer, .25 bowl, hunger 4/5

Dark Chocolate Vs. Lost: Lost Wins

Was able to stay awake through class, mostly by telling L stories -- everyone really wants to meet him, and L himself has already volunteered to come in and talk to the class, but I dunno. It's like career day and your parents come to talk to the class, and you're afraid they'll do something dorky and embarrass you.

Like today -- I was rotating a pizza that was in back of a newly placed pie, and I foolishly didn't hook the pizza door open, so while I was jiggling the pie, I shook the door a little and it tapped me lightly on the hand, giving me a bit of a burn. I jumped and slapped the edge of the new pie with the peel, not enough to make it bad or unsalable, but L was there to scold me for being uncoordinated and out of shape and nonathletic and how bike riding isn't doing it for me and on and on a bit. I shrug it off, run my hand under some cold water, move on.

A few minutes later, I'm working on a yield test for a new recipe for prosciutto balls when L comes into the kitchen and scolds me some more for being weak, then runs me through his Qi Gong practice, which he strongly recommends I do every morning and evening to build up my strength and coordination -- he flexes his muscles and calves at me to show me what it's done for him. Then he hikes up his kilt and boasts that he's "U.F." today - Underwear Free, and how I should consider the practice. Ugh.

Dark chocolate usually gets me buzzing, but lying on the couch wrapped around the very pregnant B and her watching the extremely boring Lost/American Idol business, I passed out around 8:30pm without dinner.

BREAKFAST: 8am, chocolate cheese muffin, water .5 bowl, hunger 4/5
Starbucks muffin to help me in my determination not to fall asleep during class. Was about to buy two pastries, but there were calorie counts on each item....the donut and apple fritter together were about 800 calories, while the muffin alone was 330. Ah, informed decision making...

LUNCH 1: 12:15pm, 10 pork & chive dumplings, .75 bowl, hunger 4/5
At my favorite dumpling hole-in-the-wall on the way to the resto, as I got out 15 minutes early. At $2.50, can't beat it.

LUNCH 2: 4pm, slice o' white, slice o' red with meatball, red pepper and olive, .75 bowl, hunger 4/5
Chill staff lunch with dah fellahs and dah ladies.

PM WATERING: 6:30pm, quart o' water

PM INDULGENCE: 7pm, packet of Jaques Torres dark chocolate covered cornflakes, .5 bowl, hunger 4/5

"More Better"

I had one of those rare days that started really good and then just got better as it went along. Woke up at 8, got the laundry in and sung the very pregnant B out of her sleep. Went over to Essex market to Shopsin's for breakfast, where Kenny Shopsin was holding court in the tiny dining room, explaining his technique for making and saving stock. ("Reduce it until it's...REDUCED! Get it in ice cube tray, and heat it up in watah." He's just like he is in the documentary.)

Then I popped in to the cheese counter right next door and introduced myself to Anne Saxelby, who is a total sweetheart. I heard her speak at school yesterday, but was too out of it and tired to interact. I asked her for cheese recommendations for pizza, and it turns out she's friends with Mark from Pizza a Casa, whom I assisted a class with at the Astor Wine Center. I ended up shootin' the bull with her for a while, getting a bunch of laffs with a few L stories. Good times.

Then some graphics work, then off to yoga with T, and a good snickle after. I really don't have enough T-Time in my life. Home to shower then off to the 'rant.

I totally forgot, but an old friend from high school came in and said there would be some friends from our graduating class coming in for an echo of the reunion I missed a few weeks ago, due to the hours I've been working. So 8 old compadres from 20-odd years ago materialized for a meal, and I spent the evening checking in on the kitchen and hanging out and catching up. It's quite frightening that one of them (hi D!) actually reads this blog and was quoting bits back to me. It was quite an honor that these folk from my not-so-recent past would take the time and effort to come to the place I've been chained to for the last 3 months or so and spend the evening. I remember myself as being a bit of an introvert, uncomfortable in my own skin and feeling out of place, but judging from the affection everyone seemed to have for each other (and lil' ol' me), perhaps my perception of self was a bit colored by the immature 17 year old me.

It just wasn't a day that happens every, errr, day. It could only be better if I spent more time with B. Or if she were to pop and release the baby unto the world. -sigh-

My two main kitchen workers, a Mexicana and an Afghani, have a limited grasp of English grammar, but both agree that when things are done properly, it is "more better." Today was definitely more better.

BREAKFAST: 9am, ricotta lime pancakes, water, 1 bowl, hunger 4/5
Shopsin's has about 1000 things on the menu, and about 30 pancake variations. These pancakes had ricotta and lime juice (and I suspect some grated rind) tucked pleasantly in the center of the otherwise ordinary pancakes, really filling and tasty. Gonna try this trick with my own homemade batter.

AM SNACK: 9:30am, snippet of cheeses
Anne sampled me some cheeses, all delicious, so I got a few quarter pounds of Grayson and Raclette to play with.

SNICKLE SNACK: 1:45pm, cup of dahl, vegan cesar salad, water, 1 bowl, hunger 4/5

LUNCH: 4:45pm, 3 meatballs, sprite, .75 bowl, hunger 4/5

RESTAURANT HAZE: 5-10pm, a few glasses of mandorla, .5 bowl, hunger 4/5

Monday Funday Again

A good day. Class in the morning, a graphics gig in the afternoon, dinner at Amorina with B and some school colleagues in the evening. Tomorrow, chores, yoga snickle and the restaurant in the later hours...

BREAKFAST: 7am, organic cornflakes with organic dead milk, .5 bowl, hunger 4/5

AM SNACK: 10:30am, 2 small pieces of funky cheese, slice of bread, hunger 4/5
At a talk with a cheese monger. Delicious raw milk cheeses.

LUNCH: 4pm, slice of pizza, .5 bowl, hunger 4/5
At 99¢ Fresh Pizza by Port Authority, a god reminder how crappy crappy pizza can be

PM SNACK: 5pm, a snippet of Balthazar cookie

DINNER: 7pm, small slices of a variety of pizzas, a little pasta, onion tart and a sampler of desserts, 2 glasses red wine, water, 1.25 bowl, hunger 4/5
At the restaurant I used to work at, really good vibes. Ah, to work at a smoothly operating and comfortably functional restaurant....

Sunday Release

After working almost 15 hours on a Saturday at the restaurant, it was time to ride. Holy crap, it was time to ride. L has been riding me this past week, trying to get me to his definitively undefined amorphously specific and constantly changing standards on the pizza station, and criticising me in not a gentle way. It’s a good thing I’m an adult with a strong sense of self, or I would've gone the way of a rapidly increasing pool of ex-employees. I actually don’t mind the yelling...but he rides the line between effective and cruel.

There were some sweet highlights -- a very pregnant B came in with a few of her friends and it was great fun doting on them (and L comped the meal, which was nice and appropriate.) And Patrick and his gal came in, which was unexpected. L fired the hostess so I had to put on a clean and too-small t-shirt and greet and sit people, while wearing a kilt...yes, put out like a cheap street walker to pimp the pizza! Got out of there by 12, rode home, switched into spandex and met C (he who quit the restaurant weeks ago but I’ve made friends with, he’s just a kid) and we rode south to South Ferry, then a full loop around Manhattan, about 30 miles. We went to Veselka for a meal, was very busy, felt bad for the staff there, but I guess that's what you sign up for in a 24-hour resto. Home by 4:30am, sleep by 5, inspired by Server T made banana walnut muffins for the B and her family on mothers day by 8:30! Glad to be home, appreciating B’s huge belly. Any week now!

I miss my parents something fierce today. Only got 3 hours of sleep, then had a Mother's Day brunch/mini pre-baby celebration at cousin’s place. Was really nice to be a part of such a strong and happy extended family unit, even though it sucks that it makes me feel the loss of my own family that much more. Hopefully those feelings will recede when the mini-B is out and about!

BREAKFAST: 9am, 3 freshly baked banana walnut muffins, .75 bowl, hunger 4/5
Used this recipe, but only as a jump off. Added an egg, doubled the baking soda and the salt, melted the butter instead of softening, added eggs to the liquid rather than with the dry, added a little whole milk to add extra silkiness and moisture, used whole wheat pastry flour instead of straight whole wheat, pulled back on the nutmeg because I was freshly grating it, scraped out two vanilla beans instead of extract, and folded the wet into the dry minimally, so little that there were pockets of dry powder in the mix but I knew most would bake out. I usually don't improvise on a baking recipe until I make it once (so I know how my kitchen and equipment is influencing the results), but I just kinda vibed this one, inspired by some conversations I've been having with a server (and friend) at the resto who sounds like a pretty accomplished home cook. I think she was making these muffins, too, and sounded really yummy. Next time, though, out with the walnuts and in with the dark chocolate chips. Oh yes.

BRUNCH DAZE: 11:30am-5pm, a few pickles, a half bagel with cream cheese, lox, onion and tomato, a large number of chocolates and chocolaty things, a sip of booze, water, cheese and crackers, 2 bowl, hunger 4/5
Long day of grazing at B's cousin, lots of yummies, good vibes, compliments on my muffins, pizza talk. Went into the living room to take a nap, and when I woke up a few hours later, the whole family was around me, snacking, livin' it up, was very nice way to come out of a rejuvenating nap.

DINNER: 8:45pm, roast pork & tofu with rice, shrimp toast, wonton soup, 1.25 bowl, hunger 4/5
Comfort dinner horray!

When the Baby Comes, I'll Get More Sleep Then

Oh lordy. It's almost 5am and I need to get some rest. Just did a loop around Manhattan on the bicycle with a fellow restaurant worker, after a grueling 15 hour shift. I can't even begin.

BREAKFAST: 8am, purple gatorade, .25 bowl, hunger 3/5

AM SNACK: 11:30am, slice of eggy breakfast pizza, .25 bowl, hunger 4/5

LUNCH: 4pm, mayo-slathered corn on the cob with salad, .5 bowl, hunger 4/5

RESTAURANT HAZE 5-10pm, a few snippets of gelato, a piece of cucumber, a rootbeer, ? bowl, hunger ?/5

DINNER: 11pm, 3 slices of pizza, lemonaide, 1 bowl, hunger 4/5

POWER DRINK: 12:30am, half a Manhattan Special

POWER DRINK: 2am, purple gatorade

DINFAST? BREAKNER: 4am, mixed fried perogies, water, 1 bowl, hunger 4/5
At Velselka post-early morning ride.