Quit? Fired? Promoted? Demoted? What?

Today, I quit the restaurant. Well, not exactly quit. Not really fired. Maybe promoted? Demoted? A lateral move? Somewhere in between? I came in extra early this morning to get everyone going on prep, charging from 8:30am onwards. When L came in late, around 11:15, I felt pretty good about where we were at, ready to meet the charge of a busy all-day Saturday, but he started in from the first second.

Floor is dirty, clean as you go, bad habits, blah blah blah. I had everyone working in a straight ahead and orderly plan, banging out the tasks, but L was questioning whether I was watching them or not. What is this about? I just kind of stood there and stared dumbly, as I was expecting some acknowledgement that we were on it, and instead I was being shouted at for pretty much being incompetent. Very weird. A disconnect between what I perceive to be happening and what L perceives to be happening. He pretty much puts me on notice and says he doesn't like my style and that I'm not getting it and that I can't make pizza to save my life and on and on, it's now a bit of a blur. I let that sit through the lunch service and he continued.

It was a moment not unlike when I decided to end my cross country bike trip. After having everything that could go wrong go wrong at me on that trip after a month and a half, things had settled in and I felt great about what I had done...but it was enough. In this case, I felt like today I put more effort into getting this restaurant on track than ever before -- I came in 2 hours early, I got the troops rallied and organized, everything was clicking, front of house seemed to be coming together, L running late -- maybe he's loosening up a little? Only 4 hours sleep and little to eat, but a caffeine blast has me feeling sprightly. Today is going to be a good day!

The whiplash of such positivity and solidness to be turned around by such negativity and shakiness....it didn't make me mad, sad or angry. Just a light bulb that turns on, that illuminates the path to the "no duh!" thing to do. I even said it out loud, overheard by the pizza cook, after L's last blast at me. I said, "That's it. I think I've had enough." A couple hours later after lunch, I asked L for a private conversation, we went outside I presented back to him how I interpreted his criticism. I think he needs a kitchen manager who is an experienced pizza man, my lack of experience is affecting his moods which is hampering the restaurant, and how he was being too nice by not firing me. The words felt odd leaving my lips, but I was speaking in a different language, a language I've gained a little fluency in in the last 3 months or so....Louish. Pig Louin?

Anyway, I told him I wasn't going to screw him, and that my last day would be tomorrow. I'd be open to helping out with the other things I've been working on outside of the kitchen, but everything that has been causing him to raise his voice to me has to come to an end after tomorrow.

His tone changed, but then customers started coming in, he asked to continue this conversation later. By this point in the afternoon, several staff were asking me why I was so glum all day and I made the pointed decision to tell a few, in particular my team. This was not the most professional thing, but I knew it would force L's hand. In some dysfunctional relationships, the couple will build and build tension until a freak out, a big release, then start all over again. By going a little public with this would limit L's ability to patch up the damage he (or perhaps I) caused to our current professional relationship. Some thing's gotta change.

I worked in the kitchen prepping through the dinner shift, mostly avoiding the pizza and appetizer station. I did do some of that, also ran a delivery, jumping in where ever needed. When things cooled down, I sat at the bar with a friend of the restaurant and shot the breeze, before heading back close to 10 to ask L if I should take inventory, or show someone else how. He asked me if I wanted to leave, to which I replied no, I'm not ditching, I want to do the right thing. So I did inventory, organized the bottle returns, ran down various stuff with the team, everything was in pretty good shape all told due to the prep we got done in the morning. Had to slap myself on the back, as no one was doing it for me!

L & I spoke more this evening, he was a little annoyed that I had spoken to others but defended myself in Louisms -- it was the absolute truth, I had informed him first, and everyone who told him what they heard were all a little bit gossipy and exaggerating. I know some peeps from the restaurant read this blog from time to time (hey T!) so I won't go into the details of this discussion, other than that alternate roles are being weighed in my participation in the restaurant. That, and some down-the-rabbit-hole scenarios I had to dismiss out of hand. Oh the stories I'll tell! I really need to get to bed now, it's 2:12 am...

Oh, and this evening I weighed in at 210.8 pounds. Jeepers!

BREAKFAST: 7am, organic cheerios with dead organic milk, .5 bowl, hunger 4/5

RESTAURANT HAZE: 8:30am-12:30am, a Manhattan Special, a bit of flounder and bread, water, lemonade, mandorla, a 1 oz meatball, a few Italian cookies, a few snippets of spinach, a slice of cucumber, a rootbeer, a cream soda, anger, pride, ego, ? bowl, hunger ?/?

AM SNACK: 1am, a canoli, an eclair, .75 bowl, hunger 4/5
When you drop 5 lbs in a week, this is what you eat Saturday night/Sunday morning!