Morbid Potatoes

Strange feeling this morning. Got a short but good quality sleep, but woke up a little too late and ended up not eating anything before leaving for work (note to self: set alarm for 8am on workdays, as B and Edie are too good at not waking me up as of late!) I had a cook make me a plate of potatoes and and various pizza toppings -- not exactly a vegan green salad with extra fiber flakes.

I was sitting, looking over some work paperwork, and felt guilty -- Edie is still a baby, but someday she will be the adult and will need to care for me, as I cared for my parents. The choices I make in life will to a certain extent determine what happens then. My mom smoked most of her life, even after a cancer scare when I was a teenager, and eventually succumbed to it. My dad always had a wicked sweet tooth, and eventually his body was run-down by ongoing adult-onset diabetes. Looking back at the scheme of things. How will it end for me, in regards to how it will effect Edie?

Both my parents had a certain amount of guilt themselves about getting ill at the end -- they didn't express it directly, but when people are in such a weakened state, they are not hard to read. In particular, my mom expressed in private to a good friend and coworker of hers (who after she passed the friend expressed to me) is that my mom felt really bad that I had to deal with her illness and eminent passing so soon after dad -- she knew what was coming, and felt bad that she was "doing" this to me. I wish she had said that to me directly, so I could of helped wipe any guilt she had away, that whatever I was doing for her then, she had done for me 10x as much by bringing me into the world and supporting me emotionally, financially, culturally, education-wise and all those other things good parents just do without having to read a handbook.

Are these garbage plates threatening my health, and therefore threatening the timing and ease of my passing? I could only wish that I'm healthy until the day I pass away in my sleep, with a will and detailed pre-paid instructions on where to dispose of my hopefully not-too-fat body! Weird, slightly morbid thoughts in a restaurant over a plate of potatoes.


AM SNACK: 8:30am, iced green tea
AM SNACK: 10am, 2 corn tortillas with a little cheese
BREAKFAST: 11am, potatoes with vegetables and sausage, Manhattan Special, 1 bowl, hunger 4/5
LUNCH: 4pm, 1 slice of cheeseless shrimp & clam pie, cranberry lime soda, .75 bowl, hunger 4/5

PM SNACK: 6pm, 1 stuffed artichoke


HAZE: 7-11pm, a couple of sodas


EVENING SNACK: midnight, multigrain tortilla chips and salsa