Anxiety

ADDENDA:
After my shower, Betsy suggested I step on the scale. She's been complimenting me left and right all weekend about how good I look. Me, I feel good, but haven't noticed any changes in my body. Stepped on the scale, 230, pretty much the same as it's been for the past 10 years.

Turned on the TV, it was a paid infomercial on the Food Channel. Chunky woman blubbering how when she got on a rollercoaster with her kid, she was too fat for the bar to come down over her big belly. But with this program, she never had to go the gym and she never had to starve blah blah blah.

Felt anxious. I want to lose weight, but I'm comfortable in my skin and how my body works. I fit in the rollercoaster! But I also want to be healthy, and losing weight will help control blood pressure, if not now then in the future. I don't want to be in this crazy vain body-conscious circus, but I want to feel like I can be free of worry.

I was a chubby kid. My mom gave me a hard (but loving) time about it, and I went through a couple of phases in life where I lost a lot of weight, felt good about it, but eventually my body adjusted to the lowered calories, I got discouraged, and fell into old habits within a year or so. I know I can lose a good 20lbs and keep it off for 9-12 months, but then what?

BREAKFAST: 7:45am, toasted whole wheat bagel with good butter and fancy smoked salmon, dirtpill, hunger 3/5
Got this overpriced Charlie Trotter-branded citrus-flavored salmon, cured with sea salt instead of the usual. As I was eating it, found I didn't like it that much and thought if I'm going to experiment with foods to expand my palate, it SHOULD be friggin' low salt! Just don't want to get bored....

BP 8:15am 126/85

AM SNACK: 9:15am, 24 oz still water

LUNCH #1: Noon, 2 small cool slices of crappy pizza, hunger 4/5
Meetins 11am-3pm straight, though a middle meeting provided pizza. Not very good, but got me through without falling apart.

LUNCH #2: 3:15p, fried whiting on whole wheat, 4 unadorned falafel balls, hunger 3/5
Weird, wasn't too hungry but once I ate the sandwich, got very hungry and got the balls. Got them as an appetizer rather than a sandwich, could taste it alone. Surprisingly salty.

On the first Tenacious D album, there is a skit where the two guys go to a drive in window of a generic fast food place. The gag is that while Jack Black is ordering almost the entire menu, at the same time he is ranting that he is on a diet - ordering stuff like a large cola - half regular and half diet, 3 small orders of fries because their small and not large. And of course, the fillet-of-fish sandwich, because, as he exclaims, "Because it's FISH! It's healthy!".

The whiting sandwich was yummy, but between the grease, the breading, the questionable origins of the fish and the nutrient-light tomato and lettuce, the term 'healthy' would be stretching it...

PM SNACK: 5pm, 24 oz still water

DINNER: 7:30pm, spinach gnocchi with homemade tomato sauce and grated cheese, big green salad, big square of dark chocolate with peanut butter, a little seltzer

EVENING SNACK: 11:30pm, full portion of yogurt with peanuts, honey and drop of vanilla extract, hunger 4/5
When I realized how hungry I was, I knew I did not eat enough for dinner. In the past at this point I would start binging, starting with the sweets, with the idea that sugar would kill be hunger, but it wouldn't do it fast enough so I'd continue to eat.

I knew I'd have to blog about my sins, so I just ate a (reeeeally) early breakfast, and 2 minutes after I wanted more, but 10 minutes later I started to feel contented and sleepy. Hmmm.