More stress

ADDENDA:
Yoga was better than the week before. Rather than be ridiculously easy with points of being ridiculously hard, it was more even in it's challenge. Moving from pose to pose, focusing on my in and out breathing almost clicked a few times - I could see myself doing it mindlessly while physically being mindful... The downward dog to plank and back, to a lunge and then standing and pointing my hands up, while measuring my breathe, something just....felt right - a little. It felt mostly awkward, and I felt very tight and inflexible.

Towards the end, we put our legs on the wall above our head, coming down into 'corpse' pose and laid there again in the dark with the 'ommm' music and the teacher went around greasing up our feet. I cleared my mind, but it didn't stay clear for long. The teacher mentioned letting yourself become heavy and join the earth....in 'corpse' pose....I thought of if I were entering the earth from wence I came, I'd be with my parents again....I was on the plains of Kansas, which took me a solid 10 days to bicycle through. It was windy in the grainfields, and the sky was dark, red and angry. There standing in front of me were my parents, standing maybe 20 feet away from me, and them standing a good 5 feet apart from each other. I conversed with them, no greetings, just like it was any other day, told them about my wedding, how well it's going with B, my new inlaws, how hard I'm working at my newish job they never got know about, they told me how they were proud of me as usual, how much they enjoyed following me on my bike trip across the states, how they were fine and were sorry they weren't around.

They were kinda shapeshifting between different ages and hairstyles that I have of them. I remember them as a child when they were in their 30s, as a teen in there 40s, as 20-something in their 50s, 30-something in their 60s. They were not fixed, they were them, only more so.

On a semi-related note, I got to work yesterday morning at 7:30 to try to get a handle on this large, unruly project. After 10 minutes I looked around, confirmed there was no one there, then wept openly, sobbing that I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I collected myself in a couple of minutes, then charged through what I had to get through to the best of my abilities. (As the day rolled on, I realized I wasn't as lost as I thought.) That was the first time I've cried in sadness/frustration for something other than my parents since my dad died over 3 years ago. Huh.

BREAKFAST: 6:30am, good yogurt with raw cashews and honey, dirtpill, hunger 3/5

LUNCH: 1pm, big falafel sandwich on whole wheat pita, 24 oz still water, hunger 4/5
Took 30 minutes outside, day is intense and things are not resolved, but feel more at peace with it. REALLY looking forward to riding bike tomorrow.

DINNER: 7:15pm, half a bag of veggie booty, roasted curry lamb sausage with mixed fingerling potatoes, onions and mushrooms, hunger 4/5
Despite being dead tired, I cooked up this dish with all ingredients I got at the farmer's market last Saturday (save the olive oil and sea salt), and came out surprisingly good, though I got a clue how to make it better next time. Also whipped up an apple crumble for B's mom and family, who will be coming over to inspect the compound after dinner out tomorrow night...

Funny thing, the project that has been kicking my ass is only starting, but I think I'm somewhere between the ground and my foot in the saddle to pull myself up onto it. Things are good enough that I can put it out of my mind till Monday morning.

ADDENDA:
This may be the first day since the start of this blog that I didn't have desert. Bought gelato and chocolate to go with the apple crumble tomorrow, they're in the locked freezer in the 2nd bedroom, I'm just too beat to motivate....